


Information Security

by do_it_to_julia



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Darth Tantrum and his Evil Space Ginger, Dick Pics, M/M, Mitaka doesn't get paid enough for this shit, Poor Dopheld Mitaka, Psychopaths In Love, TLJ Spoilers, The First Order, Thirsty Thanisson, Why is there no tag for The Last Jedi Yet, Workplace Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-03-14 00:51:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13582539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/do_it_to_julia/pseuds/do_it_to_julia
Summary: Everyone had heard the rumours, of course, but seeing proof of their relationship was another thing entirely. And from what Mitaka could tell, the two of them were not exactly open about the nature of their association. They still publicly argued, they still kept up the appearances of having separate quarters (although according to the deck patrols, their late strategy meetings in Ren’s quarters happened at a frequency of four nights in every five, and usually extended to the morning), and the last officer to allude to the situation in their hearing had been swiftly reprimanded, told in no uncertain terms that her accusations were both incorrect and unprofessional, and then swiftly “transferred”.Very short chapters pasted from my tumblr. Hux and Ren are very bad at hiding their relationship; Mitaka and his colleagues try to avoid being shot.





	1. Chapter 1

Lieutenant Mitaka couldn’t breathe. This was becoming a common occurrence around their Supreme Leader, but it didn’t usually happen while the latter was asleep.

And how very asleep he was. Otherwise, Dopheld was certain Ren wouldn’t have let anyone see him like this. Slumped back on the conference room sofa, lips parted, limbs splayed gracelessly - and head resting on the shoulder of an equally unconscious and peaceful-looking General Hux.

Really it would have been quite sweet if both of them hadn’t been more than capable of murdering him without repercussion.

Everyone had heard the rumours, of course, but seeing proof of their relationship was another thing entirely. And from what Mitaka could tell, the two of them were not exactly open about the nature of their association. They still publicly argued, they still kept up the appearances of having separate quarters (although according to the deck patrols, their late strategy meetings in Ren’s quarters happened at a frequency of four nights in every five, and usually extended to the morning), and the last officer to allude to the situation in their hearing had been swiftly reprimanded, told in no uncertain terms that her accusations were both incorrect and unprofessional, and then swiftly “transferred”.

Mitaka tried not to think too hard about that last part.

He glanced back to where the rest of the strategy team were working, heads down at tables and desks amongst scattered datapads and empty caff cups. Nobody else seemed to have noticed yet. Mitaka wasn’t sure what to do. Wake them up? Ignore them? There were some fairly high-ranking individuals in here, but Dopheld wasn’t entirely confident that Ren wouldn’t still lightsaber the lot of them in half in a fit of embarrassed rage.

So unsettled by the thought was he that Peavey’s hand on the back of his shoulder almost made him jump. The Captain didn’t pause, just steered him away.

“Commanders, Commodore, we have a code purple,” he muttered, and at Mitaka’s blank look, he continued; “Rule one, son. Look away immediately, continue about your business.”

“Right. Yes sir.” Mitaka pressed his lips together. “Do we-?”

“If they think we’ve seen them, it won’t be pretty.” Peavey picked up a display unit on a nearby desk and turned it around swiftly as the surrounding officers shifted so they were all facing away from the two on the sofa behind them. Dopheld could only gape at them all.

“This - this has happened before,” he said, almost in a whisper.

“Every other bloody week, it seems. Accidentally signing off comms with ‘love you’, calling each other 'sweetheart’ and 'muffin’ when they don’t realize they’re being overheard - Chief Technician Beris even caught them shagging in a supply closet once, poor girl. Fuck knows how they can still believe they’re being subtle,” spat Peavey in low tones. “Right, officers, are we all in place?”

A quiet and staggered chorus of 'yes sir’ spurred Peavey to, inexplicably, pick up a half-full caf jug, steer Mitaka over to the opposite wall, and then drop the item onto the tiled floor with a loud clatter.

“Oh, bloody - Lieutenant, clean that up, you useless lump,” he snapped. Stunned, Dopheld could only hurry to comply, gathering up the mug and sopping up the liquid with tissues before summoning a cleaning droid through the comm.

When he finally looked back, General Hux and Supreme Leader Kylo Ren were both awake, sitting up at separate ends of the sofa and doing their best impressions of Two Men Who Definitely Aren’t Gay Together. Hux cleared his throat and crossed his legs nonchalantly as he looked down at his datapad. His eyes flicked up to meet Mitaka’s.

“Get me a cup of tea, would you, Lieutenant?” he said.

“Yes sir,” Dopheld managed, and made himself scarce - reflecting for not the first time in his career that he really wasn’t paid enough for this shit.


	2. Chapter 2

“Oh shit.”

Mitaka, sitting beside him, looked over at Thanisson’s datapad. “Well. That. Definitely wasn’t meant to go to you,” was all the Lieutenant could manage, after a few moments.

“Or the rest of the bridge team,” murmured the younger man, who was turning the pad on its side as if to try and make sense of the image. “Wow. I mean. Wow.”

“Right!” Mitaka’s heart was hammering in his chest now. He cleared his throat. “Everyone, we have a Code Purple, and approximately five minutes until the General returns from his caff break. Do not open your most recent picture message if you have not already done so. Captain, suggestions for how to resolve this?”

Thank fuck for Edrison Peavey. Mitaka had recently learnt that the older officer had written up a comprehensive set of protocols for the surprisingly frequent occurrence of what the document referred to as “R/H information security breaches”, or which were more commonly known as “those times when Kylo Ren and General Hux forgot to be discreet about their relationship and everyone else had to forget they saw anything to avoid being executed”. Mitaka watched the man consider the situation.

“Lord Ren is likely to find out that the… image… did not reach its intended recipient, but he won’t know how to check whether it actually came through to us,” Peavey said, after a moment. “Lieutenant Mitaka, send a ship-wide announcement that internal communications with multiple recipients are currently failing to reach their destinations and that the error is being investigated.”

“Yes, sir. At once.” Dopheld couldn’t help but let out a quiet sigh of relief. As he tapped the instructions into his console, he saw Thanisson incur a quick swipe around the back of the head from Peavey.

“No, I don’t care how big it is. Stop ogling it and delete that bloody thing,” the older man ordered.

“It's got to be fake. Otherwise how would the General even be able to walk?” he heard Thanisson mutter, once Peavey was out of earshot.

Mitaka put his head in his hands and, with careful and measured breaths, started counting the minutes to the end of his shift.


	3. Chapter 3

A few weeks later, it finally happened.

Mitaka had been strolling on his way back from the engineering department, glancing over the power consumption reports in preparation for a more thorough study later. Caff in one hand, datapad in the other, he was careful nonetheless to walk carefully across the bridge that connected the ship's power monitoring room with the turbolift, mindful of the vast gulf beneath him.

Why anyone would design a Star Destroyer to have massive death-drops placed liberally through its layout was beyond him, but then it wasn't his job to know. Probably something to do with mass distribution, he thought, as a message from General Hux popped up on the datapad's screen.

He opened it, and promptly spat out his mouthful of caff.

Well. That had _definitely_ come to the wrong person. Someone needed to have a quiet word with Kylo Ren about making sure he checked the recipient of his messages before sending him.

"Something the matter, Lieutenant?"

It was Hux. Shit. How did that man walk so quietly? His face was flushed red as he turned his gaze to the General and flipped the datapad face-down.

"Oh! Nothing, sir, just - caff went down the wrong hole," he managed, trying not to stutter on the word 'hole' as the image flashed into his head again. Hux gave an indulgent smile.

"Try to drink a little slower, Lieutenant," he said, moving past the shorter man with a comradely pat to the shoulder.

And in that instant, Mitaka knew what he had to do.

Staggering in feigned surprise, he allowed the caff and the datapad to drop out of his hands, then, with a sublte nudge of his foot, sent the latter spiraling downwards into the oblivion beneath. "Kriff! My datapad!" he shouted theatrically, then, as Hux turned- "Sorry, sir. I seem to be especially clumsy today. And I'd just had a message, too, directly from Supreme Leader Ren - didn't even get a chance to open it."

Half-turned toward him, Hux scrutinized him carefully. Mitaka's heart thudded in his chest.

"I'll ask Fabrication to put aside a replacement for you," he said finally. "Leave the Supreme Leader to me. I'll see what he wants." The General stepped away, then added, as an afterthought, "Make sure you call a cleaning droid."

Dopheld waited until Hux was well out of sight before allowing himself to breathe again.


	4. Chapter 4

"Okay, so we've established that Ren is probably the bottom-"

"That's not how it works, Thanisson," said Mitaka, through slightly gritted teeth. "Can we please stop talking about this before Supreme Leader Ren catches wind of this?"

From her adjacent chair at their mess hall table, Unamo ploughed up a forkful of mashed potato and pointed it at Mitaka. "Some men prefer to bottom exclusively. It's a thing."

"Maybe they switch," Thanisson reflected dreamily. "Maybe _that's_ how they deal with Ren's implausibly large dick."

"You're talking about it as if it's a problem, Niall. A large cock is not a _problem_." replied Lieutenant Unamo, with the authority of someone who knew what she was talking about. "And Hux certainly wouldn't see it as an obstacle. He'd see it as a challenge. That man is _crazy_ ambitious. They'd work up to it. Plugs. Fingers-"

Mitaka groaned under his breath. Thanisson shook his head.

"You didn't see it, Unamo. That thing was like a baby's arm holding an apple. It was practically the size of my leg-"

"Attention, everyone!"

Three heads swiveled round to face the interruption as the hubbub of the mess hall murmured to a pause. It was General Hux himself, with the Supreme Leader standing beside him, the former with his hands clasped behind his back, the latter smirking. Dopheld felt his heart rise into his throat. Had they somehow overheard?

He began to wonder exactly what his obituary would say. 'Accidentally fell on a lightsaber forty times', perhaps.

"The Supreme Leader and I have an announcement to make," Hux intoned. Suddenly, the Supreme Leader grabbed his General and executed a picture-perfect dip-kiss, his arm winding under Hux's body as the redhead embraced Ren in turn.

Nobody spoke.

Then, as the two returned to a standing position, the mess hall erupted into chaos. Nobody seemed to quite know how to react, so while some people were now practically shoving their faces into their dinner trays and pretending they hadn't been looking, others were unconvincingly voicing their surprise, spilling their drinks, dropping their datapads or, in one notable case, attempting to disappear under the table.

"See?" Ren said, his booming voice carrying over the noise. "Everybody knows, Hux."

"Then why did you allow it to continue so long?" Hux spluttered, his words barely audible.

"It was funny." Kylo shrugged and turned to leave.

Hux's nostrils flared. "Alright, alright," he snapped. "We both know you all saw it. Stop pretending you didn't. And next time the Supreme Leader accidentally sends you an explicit image, _tell him._ Nobody is going to be executed." A pause. "Not for that specific reason. Any questions?"

Thanisson's hand flew up, along with a few others.

"Any questions that _aren't_ about Supreme Leader Ren's penis?"

Thanisson put his hand down again.

"Tough," announced Hux. "That was rhetorical. The matter is closed. Go about your business."

Mitaka leant his elbows on the table and started massaging his temples. Petty Officer Thanisson gave a one-shouldered shrug and turned back to his food. 

"Baby's arm holding an apple," he repeated under his breath. Unamo gave an appreciative nod. Dopheld glanced down at his datapad, which was showing one unread message. He opened it gingerly.

_Code Purple is now to be considered defunct. Good work, everyone. -Capt. Edrison Peavey._


End file.
